Running My Fears
by Crisp-pa
Summary: If I hadn't killed them, would we still be together now that she's gone?


Crisp-pa: Noo… Another fanfiction based off a song. One-shot, again. Unless I decided to make a sequel or summat..  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own Easier to Run by Linkin Park. Nor do I own Rurouni Kenshin. Oh. And I don't own Harry Potter. Yes, there's a Harry Potter quote down there.  
  
-Warning- Depressing. Character death. Talk about self-mutilation.. Yeah. All that good stuff.   
  
~Inspiration:~ Well, I watched Samurai X the OAV earlier today.. So.. Yeah. And I was watching my taped episodes. Hmm.. Mrr. You add it up.  
  
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~|POV: Himura Kenshin|~  
  
"It's easier to run, that it is." I hated what life had become for me. If I could take back everything that I've done, I would. All the 'good' things and all the 'bad' things. Sometimes, I don't know if there's really good and bad in this chaotic mess. It's all about power. Maybe there is a good and evil and I just can't find it. Or I don't want to remember it because I don't want to know the truth. I want to think it wasn't my fault.   
  
But, I know it is. It always is. Himura Kenshin's a person.. No, being that ran. And here everyone thought he was a fighter. I know it's true.. It's not my fault I'm that way. I tried not to kill. Ever again. That was such a lie. I killed them all. Love was so.. Artificial. Trust is easily broken. Life wasted so carelessly. That's what I did. I broke them. Killed them. My love, my friends, my only family. It brings back so many memories, that dark past of mine. I wish they wouldn't surface. I wish they weren't mine.   
  
Watching their bodies being buried was the hardest thing I've ever done. Watching her sweet, pale face go down into that cold box to remain forever almost made me wretch. I would have if I wasn't the stoic Hitokiri Battousai. That's who I am now. I have no compassion for anything. I never will ever again. I'll be this way forever. With my bloody swords I'll walk this earth until the end of time. I'll never be able to give back any of those innocence lives lost for my forsaking life.   
  
"If I could take this shame to the grave, I would." This shame won't ever leave me. And every time I'll replace my pain with something more, something so much more. Killing all those people in the Revolution was bad enough, and me being foolish thought I could repent for those sins. I almost thought I had. I was so close to saving myself from that demise. And then, trip up. I killed her. I killed all of them in my blind rage for Misao and Yahiko. She shouldn't have died like that. Something so ignorant as faulty rafters. If you would have told Misao she would break her back and collar bone and die from wobbly beams she would have kicked you over and over again. Then, she'd laugh. Oh, how I miss her laugh.   
  
Yahiko shouldn't have been murdered that day either. Right after we had found out Misao was dead we decided that we should get the tools to make the perfect shrine for her. If that thief had not ran by right at that moment, and if he hadn't shot his gun at the precise moment, we would all be working on Misao's shrine.   
  
Then, I wouldn't be sitting here working on everyone's shrines. When people walk by they pity me. I don't believe creature's such as I should be pitied. We should be condemned. We'd all be here. Sitting in front of Misao's almost completed shrine. It wouldn't take as long if we were all here. Then we could work together. As a team. Together….  
  
I feel so misplaced without them. They were my life. I wish I could change, go back and take back the pain I caused. I wish I could just stand up and take the blame. But I can't. I'm so alone.. I feel so helpless without them. I shouldn't have done it. I knew I shouldn't have done it when I did. But why? Why didn't I stop? I can shake my head all I want and deny it, but I know I did it. Why? Why why why? Why didn't I stop? I wish I could retrace my steps and stop it all. If only it could end, if only they would stop tormenting me. I'm already twisted enough. I have nothing in store for me, nothing but death. Cold. Hard. Death.   
  
If only I was strong enough to let go. Then I would. I've committed so many other sins, why not add suicide to the list of murder and lies? Why can't I add myself to the list of women, men and children that I've killed. I wish I could. I wish I could change. Go back and save them. I'm not powerful enough to do it. I could never go back and save them.   
  
Maybe, there's hope for my battered soul. Maybe I can be saved, maybe I can restore my name. People talk about miracles, why can't I make one? I'll save them with my sword. Not like before, no. I'm a manslayer and I'll always be one. Even in my afterlife I'll be haunted by my darkness. I'll go to the end of the world to save myself, no matter what it means. I'll save myself. I can do it. These flames biting at my kimono tell me so. They blaze so brightly.   
  
I know I killed them. I killed them all. I can't run away from that. Telling yourself the truth is the best thing I can do at the time. I'll walk the ways as a Rurouni once again, searching for the meaning of my life and why I'm the way I am. I'll do it with my sword. Just like before. But this time, I'll kill my darkness before I let it out again. Even if that means losing it all. I'll let it go, to save someone else's innocence. I'll do it. I swear I will.  
  
"Uhm, mister, are you not cold?"  
  
"Oro?" 


End file.
